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Grief & Guidance
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People can be very supportive in the initial days after a death. There are lots of things for them to do: help to make funeral arrangements, notify other friends and family of the death, and take care of day-to-day chores. It's a matter of being friends: taking on the necessary tasks so survivors have the time and energy to actively mourn their loss.
Unfortunately, once the funeral is over, things can change dramatically. This support system can dissolve quickly as people return to their normal routines. The phone stops ringing and the bereaved may find their days and nights to be long and lonely.
It's about not walking away. Granted, you may part company after the funeral but a true ally doesn't stay away long; a better-than-good ally keeps checking in with the bereaved. Being a friend in need during this time can feel very difficult.
Rachael Naomi Remen, M.D, wrote what she considers to be the focus of this grief work: "Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again." You do that with a model of task-oriented bereavement.
James Worden writes that the four things that must be completed in order to adjust to the death of a significant other are:
Those four tasks define the work of grieving. When you choose to become an ally to someone in mourning, it becomes your responsibility to support them in achieving those things within their time frame – not yours.
In no way should you impose a limit on the amount of time their bereavement takes; the only limitations you can set have to do with any negative behaviors you witness. Is your friend using alcohol or drugs to manage their emotions? Are their eating habits becoming destructive? Are they choosing to isolate themselves from the wider world? All those things should raise red flags. If you think their grief has overwhelmed them and set them upon a self-destructive course, it may be time to suggest they see a certified grief counselor or therapist.
Other meaningful things you can do to help them successfully adapt to their loss – again using Worden's four tasks as our guide – include:
Popular writer Barbara Kingsolver penned these wise words about friendship: “The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away.” She's so right – never stay away because you're frightened of saying something inappropriate. The American Cancer Society said it best, in "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One": "Be there. Even if you don't know what to say, just having someone near can be very comforting."
Other simple tips include these:
Author Sarah Dessen captured the nature of good listening in this passage from her book, Just Listen: “This is the problem with dealing with someone who is actually a good listener. They don’t jump in on your sentences, saving you from actually finishing them, or talk over you; allowing what you do manage to get out to be lost or altered in transit. Instead, they wait, so you have to keep going.”
So, as an ally to your bereaved friend or family member, you need to cultivate patience and the willingness to wait. You need to be watchful for signs of depression, which may include continuing thoughts of worthlessness or hopelessness, being unable to perform day-to-day activities, feelings of intense guilt, extreme weight loss, and thoughts of death or suicide. The American Cancer Society cautions that "if symptoms like these last more than 2 months after the loss, the bereaved person is likely to benefit from professional help. If the person tries to hurt him- or herself, or has a plan to do so, they need help right away."
Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009.
Bailey, J.D. "How to Help a Friend Who is Grieving", Huffington Post, 2013
American Cancer Society, "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", 2012
It's hard to know what to say when someone experiences loss. Our free weekly newsletter provides insights, quotes and messages on how to help during the first year.